Archive for the 'Food' Category

Experimental Doritos: X-13D. I name them SuckChips

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

I’ve saw these on store shelves at my local, beloved Kroger.


I thought I was in a special test market and was really in on some groundbreaking snack experimentation. You could have a flashy display with Vegas showgirls and explosives and I’d pass it by, but if I see a little black bag of something that looks kind of like it may be a little dangerous to your health, I’m going to go check it out, man.

Doritos knows this, of course, and got me to buy a bag.

Don’t buy a bag unless you like the idea of eating dehydrated, overly-ketchuped McDonald’s Happy Meal burgers, with extra ketchup. Dipped in pickle sauce. That’s what they taste like. Fucking McDonald’s burgers.

Where’s the scientist who invented Cool Ranch flavor Doritos? Is the guy behind X-13D his, like, evil twin? I mean, fuck.

Yeah, Doritos, you got my $2.59. But you didn’t understand how powerful is the power of bloggism and now no one in the land will try your confounded demon snacks spawned from an unholy coupling of Ronald McDonald and Dora Dorito. Who doesn’t exist, but she should. So she could kick the evil scientist out of the Doritos kitchen and bring back Cool Ranch-style goodness.

Or, unless you’re like me, after reading this, you’ll go buy a bag just to see how yucky a chip can be.

Damn you, Doritos. Damn you to heck.

You know, if Dora Dorita (better than Dorito) was real, she’d look like the BEST LOOKING WOMAN THAT HAS EVER BEEN ON THE INTERNETS and I’d buy all the chips she had to offer.

The lesson of the day is A hot girl can sell anything.